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19 August 2004 @ 11:08 pm
Kind of a sad day...  
...exactly 13 years ago my Dad passed away. :( I know that I don't really mention him here that much, but he's a BIG part of who I am and since he's been gone, there's been a big hole in my heart that I haven't been able to fill. And I know it's been a long time since he passed away, but it doesn't make me miss him any less. :(

Lately I've been thinking about him a lot since a few friends that I've known have had to deal with loved ones passing away and I think because my Dad's illness and death were both so sudden and I wasn't there when he passed away, part of me thinks that even 13 years later I'm still in somewhat of a denial about the whole thing. Years later part of me still expected him to be sitting in his favorite chair when I went to visit my Mom or expected him to pick up the phone when I called...

I also spent so much of my life trying to console others about his death and trying to put on a good face about it that sometimes I think I never had the chance to deal with it myself. I never wanted people to feel sorry for me or to get "that look" on their face when they found out that he died... There's nothing worse than that "pity" look I'd get when people would find out - I just hated it. :(

And I miss him - sometimes more than I'd like to admit to myself. :P The funny thing is that he and I always used to fight about everything as I was growing up - some said it was because we were too similar. We both had strong opinions and weren't afraid to stand up for them... and we were both extremely stubborn.

But I do have to say, that some of my greatest gifts in life, I got from my Dad... He was the one who shared his love of live theatre with me at a young age. At 13, he took me to see my first show ("A Chorus Line") and I was hooked on musicals and theatre ever since. He also gave me my great love of politics (which you'd never be able to tell by reading my journal). :P One of my fondest memories growing up with my Dad was actually debating political issues with him when I was young. He used to teach Government in a local intermediate school and he loved sitting with me and debating issues. The thing I loved is how he ALWAYS gave me both sides to the argument and he always made it my decision in the end (after hearing both sides) as to what I wanted to believe in. Of all the things my Dad left me I think the gift that I value the most is the ability to empathize with all sides of an issue, yet stand firmly for side that I believed in.

So much has happened since he's been gone and I'm a totally different person than I was back then. It makes me sad that he's missed out on so much of my life... His birthday is always hard for me, as well as this day every year - but I think the hardest day was my wedding day. He's never met Mark and will never see the grandchildren that will hopefully be his one day - and sometimes that just tears me up inside. :(

Over the years I have realized that some people don't have good relationships with their parents so I do feel extremely blessed to have had a wonderful father like him for 21 years of my life. So even though I do get sad from time to time because I miss him a lot, I do know how lucky I was to have even had him in my life.

And as I was looking for my mini-disc in my desk the other day I also found this photo

taken when I was three years old. In some ways I'll always be this little girl when I think of him...
 
 
Current Mood: gloomygloomy
 
 
 
Claudelle: <3 by classic_pumpsclaudelle on August 20th, 2004 02:10 am (UTC)
Such a cute picture :)


You really lost your dad at very young age, how sad. I can understand that you miss him, I would feel that way about my mom (and a mom - or in your case, a dad - is a parent, it's a huge loss)
Sheri: Sheri - yahoo iconshutterbug93 on August 21st, 2004 12:47 pm (UTC)
Thanks, Claudia. Most of my photos of him are in my safe deposit box, but I recently took a few of them out to scan them - I'm glad I found this. :)

Thanks so much for your sweet comments.
starstruck113 on August 20th, 2004 02:40 am (UTC)
That picture is adorable. I couldn't imagine losing one of my parents. It's hard, especially with the whole "pity" thing. It's hard enough and that's why I tend to be reclusive. I also tend to just put on a good face on the outside and not get it all out when inside it's really bothering me and I don't think I'll ever really deal with it. I hope your day goes okay for you.
Sheri: Sheri - yahoo iconshutterbug93 on August 21st, 2004 12:48 pm (UTC)
Thanks, Lauren. Been thinking about you a lot recently since I think that you and I deal with this kind of thing in very similar ways. Thanks for understanding.
Sabine: Lauser Kopfsabine10 on August 20th, 2004 04:30 am (UTC)
You are in my thoughts, Sheri.

Much *love and hugs*

Thank you for sharing that photo, it's a wonderful pic.
Sheri: Sheri - yahoo iconshutterbug93 on August 21st, 2004 12:49 pm (UTC)
Thank you, Sabine. You've always been such a wonderful friend to me. Big *HUGS* back!
curlybear on August 20th, 2004 06:09 am (UTC)
*hugs you tightly* that must have been really hard for you. Really great picture of the two of you. :) It sounds like he gave you a lot while he was around. :)
Sheri: Sheri - yahoo iconshutterbug93 on August 21st, 2004 12:51 pm (UTC)
Thanks so much for your sweet comments. He did give me a lot when he was living - in fact, it was his dedication to the community that made me want to join the Jaycees 8 years ago. :)
BOOM! goes the dynamite!: from http://brian-kinney.net/icon.php?ljmslauren2930 on August 20th, 2004 06:41 am (UTC)
that picture is adorable. *HUGS* it's funny how people always say that time heals all wounds, but I don't think that's true. I think we just learn how to manage the pain. my Dad is also responsible for my love of theater and musicals. my first show was "Sweeney Todd" with him (my second show, the first with my Mom was "A Chorus Line")....it's wonderful the gifts our fathers give us over the years (are you as much your father's daughter as I am my father's daughter?)....I also think it's wonderful that you remember what your father gave to you and still cherish it all these years later.
Sheri: Sheri - yahoo iconshutterbug93 on August 21st, 2004 12:55 pm (UTC)
Awww, thanks Lauren. And your first musical was "Sweeney Todd?" I LOVE Sweeney (and really Sondheim in general) - what a great introduction to theatre!
ajayne on August 20th, 2004 07:03 am (UTC)
*HUGS*

That is such an adorable picture!
Sheri: Sheri - yahoo iconshutterbug93 on August 21st, 2004 12:55 pm (UTC)
Thanks so much, Andrea. *HUGS*
(Deleted comment)
Sheri: Sherishutterbug93 on August 21st, 2004 12:58 pm (UTC)
I think my wedding day was the hardest day that I've had to go through so far since he passed away. More than anything, I really wanted him to be there for that day because it was such a big happy moment in my life. It makes me sad too that he worked so hard to put me through college, yet passed away before getting to see me graduate. :( He's missed so many moments that I wish I could've shared with him. :(

Thank you so much for your sweet comments. *HUGS*
irisheyes77 on August 20th, 2004 12:42 pm (UTC)
Oh Sheri, it really saddens me to read this post. I had no idea that your Dad also passed away in August. From now on, we can support each other through August, okay?

What you wrote about arguing with your Dad a lot was exactly how I was with my Dad. He and I fought all of the time because we were like the same person and so we always butted heads. We also really enjoyed debating with each other.

I know that it never really gets better, Sheri, even though everyone says that it will. You just learn to live with it.

You've been SUCH a good friend to me, even before my Dad got sick. Feel free to write or call anytime you want to just reminisce about your Dad. I am happy to listen.


Sheri: Sheri - yahoo iconshutterbug93 on August 21st, 2004 01:03 pm (UTC)
I think supporting each other through August seems like a wonderful idea... I hesitated posting this knowing that these feelings are still fresh for you. :( I've been thinking about you a lot lately - and what you've been going through. :( I think in some ways seeing you go through everything has made me a little more able to talk about and deal with my own feelings about this.

Thank you for your friendship, Amanda. I really think that finding your journal was a HUGE blessing - you've been a wonderful friend and SO supportive to me the entire time.

Big *HUGS* to you! You're the best!
Care: hugscareleswhisper on August 20th, 2004 03:33 pm (UTC)
Wow, this entry made me cry. I'm so sorry Sheri. :( *HUGS* You don't need to justify your feelings. May it be a day ago, 50 years ago, loving and missing a lost loved one will never go away. You are more than allowed to feel the way you do.

I'm am so glad that you can remember such wonderful things about your father. :) That picture is the cutest thing I have ever seen. :D *BIGHUGS* You'll be in my thoughts and prayers Sheri. *hugs*
Sheri: Sheri - yahoo iconshutterbug93 on August 21st, 2004 01:06 pm (UTC)
I'm sorry the entry made you sad, I've also been thinking a lot about you and Laura since you've both been dealing with similar feelings as well. :(

Thank you for always being such a great friend to me, Carrie. And thank you for your sweet comments. Big *HUGS* to you.
chandra on August 20th, 2004 03:48 pm (UTC)

That is the cutest picture!!! and sweet memories I know you'll cherish always.

*hug*
Sheri: Sheri - yahoo iconshutterbug93 on August 21st, 2004 01:07 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much for your sweet comments, Chandra. They really meant a lot to me. :)
karmastyx: rosekarmastyx on August 20th, 2004 06:27 pm (UTC)
It's nice for you being able to look at that picture, and say you'll always be his little girl. You really can see the love you two shared from that picture. I am glad you shared some nice things about your dad. :) He should be so proud of the person you have become today. :)
Sheri: Sheri - yahoo iconshutterbug93 on August 21st, 2004 01:09 pm (UTC)
Laura, you always have the sweetest things to say! Thank you so much for always managing to put a smile on my face, no matter how down I am. :) I'm sorry that you and Carrie have had to deal with similar feelings recently - and I hope that you both are okay. :( *HUGS*
karmastyx: Brock made by careleswhisperkarmastyx on August 21st, 2004 08:42 pm (UTC)
I'm glad my comments make you feel better. It's nice to know you have others that know how you feel for the most part. Thanks for your support as well. HUGS!
Tony: triquetradudepower1982 on August 23rd, 2004 10:47 am (UTC)
You were a cutie at 3, Sheri. :)

That's really sad about your father, and I know you'll be reunited with him again someday in the cosmos.
Sheri: Sheri - yahoo iconshutterbug93 on August 23rd, 2004 09:48 pm (UTC)
Thanks for your sweet comments Tony!

And you know, I do believe that I'll meet him again one day. :)